Skip to main content

I Have To Live (Part 3/3)

*This was written in December and is a series of three blog posts that I am publishing together. The thoughts in these blog posts may not affect how I am feeling now and it is safe to say that I do feel mentally better than I once did.*

 I just feel like everything that can go wrong has. I think that this is hard because only last night did I find that I was facing what happened over the summer. I spent a lot of it depressed. Spending days at a time crying. Thinking that I was going to die. But I didn't.

It was strange because even though I wanted everything to stop for a little while, I didn't want to die but it felt like I couldn't live either. I was going along. Dealing with one thing after another. Trying not to relapse. Not again. Protecting myself because I was scared. I keep describing it to myself as it's like I was carrying so many plates and they all smashed into a million pieces and I have been trying to pick them up ever since.

I have to admit that I haven't. I haven't picked up the pieces some of them are left on the floor. Hidden under a rug so I don't have to look at them but they are still there.

I think that because I can't pick them up I can't carry on. It has lead to so many mistakes that I regret deeply and I have never felt like this before. I hate myself for being so reckless and careless because it affected me to such a degree and now I feel scared.

Scared that people will see me in light that I tried to hide. The part of me that not the best and they see me as someone careless and untrustworthy. Descriptive words that no one wants to be called.

So I ignore them. It gets worse. The worst it could be but I have no choice to do it. Because I have to. Because the whole point of living is making mistakes and fixing them. No one knows how to live and we all have to fix it and are making our own way.

I have to make my own way. I have to pave my own path and fix everything. Whatever the consequences. I have to do better. But more importantly, I have to live. It may be hard but I have to. Because who are we if we don't make what we have out of life.

I have to live. Live my best life. Do everything to my full ability. I have to live. 

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Book Review: The Great Godden by Meg Rossoff

   * I am reviewing this book which I was gifted for free from the publisher in exchange for an honest review. All thoughts are my own. * Title: The Great Godden  Author: Meg Rossoff Publisher: Bloomsbury  Source: NetGalley ( Bookshop UK |  Hive |  Goodreads  |  Storygraph ) Book Summary: Everyone talks about falling in love like it’s the most miraculous, life-changing thing in the world. Something happens, they say, and you know … That’s what happened when I met Kit Godden. I looked into his eyes and I knew. Only everyone else knew too. Everyone else felt exactly the same way. This is the story of one family, one dreamy summer – the summer when everything changes. In a holiday house by the sea, our watchful narrator sees everything, including many things they shouldn’t, as their brother and sisters, parents and older cousins fill hot days with wine and games and planning a wedding. Enter two brothers – irresistible, charming, languidly sexy Kit a...
Post a Comment
Read more

Reviewing All Of The Books

Earlier this year, I decided that I would review all of the books that I read. For the most part, I definitely have but over the last couple of months it has definitely gone to the wayside but that is because I have been so busy. I wanted to do it because I annoyed myself that I reviewed books years after I read them and I often couldn't remember the plot. Trust me this is still the case, but I have kind of run out of books that I need to review this year which is weird for me. My backlog is getting lower and as I am not reading as much, I genuinely think I might run out. This has never happened before. This is of course quite nice because I think that it creates feelings that are much better than remembering a book from two years ago. Thinking about it at the moment does definitely make it easier as it goes into my head on a computer screen and less memory space is always a good idea. I also do think that sometimes it does take the fun out of it though but there are a lot of benef...
Post a Comment
Read more

Popsugar Reading Challenge 2021 Wrap Up

Every year since 2015, I have had the Popsugar Reading Challenge to diversify my reading. Over the course of the last year, I would like to think that I have done this and looking at did a good job considering I have been so busy over the last year. Even though I did actually have a plan of a book to read for almost all of the prompts, I did just wing it for the latter half of the year. This was because I was just reading what I wanted to and because I was not really reading at all.  So let's see what I read this year... A book that’s published in 2021    Book I Want To Read: Gut Feelings by C. G. Moore Book I Actually Read: Gut Feelings by C.G. Moore An Afrofuturist book Book I Want To Read: The City We Became by N. K. Jemisin  Book I Actually Read:  The City We Became by N.K. Jemisin A book that has a heart, diamond, club, or spade on the cover  Book I Want To Read: Heartbreak Boys by Simon James Green Book I Actually Read: Ace of Spades by Faridah À...
Post a Comment
Read more